Let me tell you about my latest epic Mum fail, actually, Who am I kidding it’s more a public apology to anyone who was at Woolworths today around 4:30.

It started with such good intentions. “I just need to get two things”. I don’t need (cant be bothered) to take the pram and again I only need ‘two’ things. I’ll take the carrier she said. The toddler can walk. My first mistake.

Walnuts and feta. Two things! We had been out most of the day – so cue tired and hungry children. I don’t get a say whether I’m tired or hungry. Because let’s face it I’m too tired and hungry to care.

So we exit the lift and I’m still optimistic. Then bam! free apples! The toddler takes off. I have an 8kg 4month old strapped to me – you read right. Shit!

I attempt to chase, I decide to yell instead. Now, this freedom has only started since I had my second. My eldest used to enjoy being lazy and happily sat in the pram. Not now. Now I’m teaching the word stop, while he’s working on his selective hearing.

Ok, so I’ve now decided I need to go to the deli. I’ll grab the feta there. Im trying to focus on what I’m ordering while the toddler bails up the poor guy packing the shelves. So by this point I have the 8kg baby destroying my back and shoulders in the carrier, feta in one hand, wallet and keys in the other and as I head towards the toddler to try and rescue the poor staff member I realise my shoe lace is undone. Fuck! I mutter as I tell myself just focus on not falling the fuck over, you just need walnuts and you’re out of here. So I apologise to the staff member who is just trying to do his job, ‘aren’t we all mate, aren’t we all’, and the toddler is off again.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse the male staff member looks concerned and asks if I’m going to be ok with both of my laces undone I thought it was only one and I could just walk very carefully and not kill the baby.

He then asks rather awkwardly, do you want me to do them up? As he gives me the look of total concern for all our welfare’s. I’m mortified. At this point I stand there like this -> with my hands full, unable to see my feet, screaming at the toddler to stand still, with a total stranger doing up my shoes asking me if I want a trolley. Mate, I want a bloody sedative and a sangria at the moment but we can’t have everything so if you can just point me in the direction of walnuts I’ll leave you in peace.

Do you know how hard it is to find walnuts when you’re a little nuts yourself!

So, I need 100g, I see a 1kg bag – $14 That’ll do, whatever, I just need to get out of here.

So I make it to the line for the self service and the waiting customers tell me to go ahead – I’m sorry, he’s not usually this bad. I’m kidding, he is, he’s 3 and since I dared to give him a sibling he’s intensified for my viewing pleasure

At this point I’m done, I start scanning my items and the song ‘run to paradise’ starts playing in my head. Mainly to drown out my 3yo who is sliding along the floor reciting the alphabet at the top of his lungs.

So, I’m sorry to anyone who had to endure my rookie error shit show. I’ve never had two kids before, or a three year old and I literally have no idea what I’m doing. But hey my kid knows the alphabet so that’s something

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